Bilbos Misadventures: Thorins 'Stiff' Morning
by VashandNaomiForever
Summary: Thorin has been having a slight problem lately, most dwarfs lose their morning stiffness, his doesn't seem to go away! He's annoyed and wondering what's wrong with him when he finds out Bilbos been feeding him something that might have caused his current condition. Continuing my Misadventures short stories!


It was normal for any male species to wake up with wood, dwarfs were no exception. Thorin, though, was having a problem with his 'Oakenshield' sticking around longer than it should have. He didn't know why as of late his body was acting this way, but it was very hard to get down to business when he was stiff all the blasted time!

Waddling down his hallways, embarrassed and irritated. Passing by innocent dwarfs and getting confused stares. He did his best to hide his unwanted aroused state, hiding his lower half behind whatever was handy. Thankfully, Bilbo had yet to witness the kings behavior. The hobbit had taken an interest in cooking lately and was spending most of his time in the kitchens.

Thorin, never willing to admit it to the hobbit, liked how Bilbos concoctions tasted. He had been really enjoying the raspberry jams and sweets master Baggins would serve after dinner. Thinking about the tasteful flavor made the dwarfs steps head toward the kitchens. If he was quick enough, Thorin could hurriedly sit down at a table and hide his 'condition' from Bilbo.

His head peeked around the corner first, taking in the position of Bilbo who was mixing something with his back to Thorin. Like a waddling angry penguin he hurried over to take a seat at the closest table. Sitting down right when Bilbo turned to greet him.

"Good morning Thorin! I see you're ready to have another go at one of my dishes." The hobbit smiled, picking up a tray of warm tarts and placing them in front of the hungry dwarf.

Thorin grunted in response, taking a raspberry tart and munching down, crumbs falling into his beard.

"Mind if I join you?" Bilbo asked, receiving a nod as the hobbit sat next to Thorin.

"You know, they say raspberries are good for you. Keeps sickness away, good for digestion." Thorin kept eating as he listened to his hobbit banter on.

"Why, I even had a cousin once who said raspberries gave her husband extra energy in the bedroom!" Thorin spat and sputtered at hearing this, making Bilbo gawk at his actions.

Did Bilbo do this to Thorin on purpose? Is that why he had been having his stiff wood all the time?

"Tell me, Bilbo, have you been feeding me these raspberries for a special reason?" He asked, anger beginning to boil at the thought.

"Gandalfs beard! You don't mean you've been having that kind of reaction to them, do you?!" Bilbo questioned. Curiosity getting the better of him, his head peeking down underneath the table.

"Bilbo!" Thorin warned, yanking the hobbit upright, not before he had taken in Thorins 'problem'.

Bilbo began to laugh, laughing so hard that he fell out if his own chair. Thorin glaring daggers at his companions behavior.

"This is no laughing matter! I can't even walk my own halls without waddling uncomfortably, let alone the looks I've been receiving!" This statement sent Bilbo into another laughing spell, making the dwarf ready to throttle him.

After a few more moments, Bilbo got a hold of himself and began to talk to his friend.

"You know, there's ways for getting it to stop doing that. All it takes is a flick and it should go down. Here, I'll find something in this kitchen that will help you." Bilbo went to a big drawer, pulling out a most unwelcoming object.

"They're pinchers, you use them to pick up hot things from a boiling pot. I bet if we did a quick pinch you'd be back to normal!" He started for Thorin.

The dwarf king rose quickly, backing away from the armed hobbit.

"That's not necessary, I'm sure it will go away on it's own soon." Bilbo kept advancing, making the instrument in his hand clamp together menacingly.

"It'll only hurt for a moment, now hold still." He beckoned the dwarf to come closer, Thorin not complying.

"Bilbo, I said no." He tried using a firm tone, but the visual of his manhood getting chomped down by that thing in Bilbos hand made Thorin very nervous.

Thorin turned and started waddling away from his pursuer, hearing the clicking and clanking from Bilbo working the pinchers up and down.

"Thorin!" He yelled, his footsteps telling the dwarf that Bilbo was running now.

'Chased by a hobbit with pinchers, I'll never live this down!" Thorin thought as he waddled faster, cursing his unwanted erection.

Fili and Kili came out of no where, knocking into him and throwing Thorin off balance.

"Fili, Kili, stop your uncle!" Bilbo called to them, making the young dwarfs reach out and grab hold of an arm each.

"This is madness! I am your uncle by Durin!"

Bilbo had caught up by then, telling the brothers to turn Thorin around so he was facing the hobbit.

"What's going on, Bilbo?" Kili asked.

Fili looked down and saw Thorins trousers tented. "Kili, uncle has the morning wood!"

The two nephews giggled together, while Bilbo and Thorin stared each other down.

"I promise, this will help Thorin." The hobbit slowly maneuvered the dreaded device closer to Thorins clothed crotch.

"Bilbo, if you touch me there so help me!" Thorin growled, his words of warning not working!

*Clamp*

"Bilbo Baggins!" Thorin cursed the hobbit, his nephews just now taking in what was going on between hobbit and dwarf.

Thorins clothed member was being cruelly pinched down by a device in Bilbos hands. Both nephews let go of their hold on Thorins arms.

Thorin reached out and ripped the pinchers out of Bilbos grip, undoing its hold on Thorins privates.

"Now Thorin, don't give me that look. I was only trying to help!" Bilbo tried reasoning with the king, now unarmed he was slowly backing away.

"And before you even think about pinching me, it won't work. I don't have a trouser snake like you at the moment."

Fili and Kili started to ask questions to Thorin, who was trying to ignore them.

"But Uncle! I thought only young dwarfs got the morning wood?" Kili asked, receiving a heated glare from Thorin.

"I'm like this because our master Baggins has been feeding me raspberries!" He yelled, pointing a menacing finger Bilbos way.

"Ohh! Well, I guess I was wrong then. I thought you were like that because you fancy Bilbo!" Fili blurted out, chuckling at the thought.

Thorin briefly took his attention off his hobbit to glare daggers at Fili.

"What would ever make you think such an outrageous thought!" He barked at the flinching nephew.

"But uncle! What about that time you and Bilbo came back from sledding and Bilbos rump was sore?" Fili argued, watching as Thorins face got red.

"Yes, Uncle! And the time we found you dry humping Bilbo in the Dale market place!" Kili added, his uncles face growing a darker shade of red.

"Those were all misunderstandings!" Thorin bellowed, not noticing that Bilbo was slinking further away.

"It's alright uncle! We don't mind you having a crush on Bilbo!" Fili spoke, still convinced that his king was in denial.

"Where is master Baggins going?" Kili asked, bringing Thorins attention to the escaping hobbit.

"Bilbo!" The dwarf kings voice echoed down the hall, the hobbit turned and started running.

"When I get ahold of you, your little hobbit ass is mine!" Thorin began running after the hobbit.

"See? See!" Fili pointed towards the retreating Thorin.

"I know, Fili, he's just in denial." Kili patted his brothers back as they both watched uncle chase after the fleeing Bilbo.

-0-0-

The Hobbit belongs to J.R.


End file.
